The Things Which Can Be Left to Beaver

1. Collections of things that hold no real-world import, e.g. bottlecaps, balls of string/rubber bands, regrettably overproduced collectible cards, marbles/jacks/pogs, Beanie Babies, and the bullshit that comprises “State-specific quarters”
2. Lawn mowing, presupposing that you are already nearly finished mowing it solo, relegating his involvement to the barest of formalities
3. Reminders related to community welfare which may seem obvious but upon closer inspection appear moot
4. Donning of all-American caps, in particular the baseball/cowboy fashions. Not so much any headwear reminiscent of other countries, for instance military caps relating to Communist China or the befruited chapeau of that Chiquita Banana Whore
5. Hobbies typical of the time, interest in which wane in approximately one day; the ephemera of which disappear and shall never be spoken of again
6. Watching a dog if it is asleep
7. Ignoring repeated warnings vis a vis cap pistol safety precautions
8. Failing to alert neighborhood denizens to any and all sports paraphernalia propelled in a destructive manner through their belongings, particular note given to the matter of baseballs and windows
9. The utterance of chirping platitudes, the honey-weight of which fills your ears over time: dripping, oozing, plugging, suffocating, gagging you with unutterable things, your straining throat harnessed and wheezing under the saccharine yoke of the populace. Rise up! RISE! UP!